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Thinking... [03 Sep 2003|12:22am]
I've just been thinking a lot about things lately. I think the reason why the situation with my boyfriend is bothering me so much is that we've had plans for over a year and a half for us to be together. Every night before bed I'd think about how wonderful it's going to be for us to be together. The whole idea made me all warm and happy inside. Then one day it seemed like my world came crashing down because I found out that my dream wasn't going to come true. It was a lot for me to handle. It's still a lot for me to handle. It doesn't feel like just my dream has been thrown away but it feels like my heart has been broken as well. I don't know why, but it just does. When you put so much thought and so many feelings into something happening and it doesn't happen, it's really hard to deal with. Things were going to be so great...almost perfect. My life was going to be complete. Now I don't have that feeling. I don't have that dream. I'm afraid to. What if I dream that dream again and it doesn't come true? I don't think my heart can take it. I love him so much... so much it hurts.
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!@!@!@! [01 Sep 2003|09:51pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I feel so helpless. I don't know what to think or do anymore. I want to be with my boyfriend more than anything, but there are some things getting in the way. I believe that these things shouldn't get in the way, but he believes otherwise. Therefore, I'm stuck here without him. I want to be with him more than anything. It just seems like he should feel the same way. I just don't understand why he'd let things get in the way of us being together. The whole situation just bothers me so much. I wish that I could just put it behind me and be able to cherish the time that him and I get to talk, but sometimes I can't. We end up fighting about the whole thing all over again. I can't help it. I can't seem to ignore it. It's getting in the way of us having a happy and healthy relationship. The thing is...I'm not happy. I've been depressed ever since he told me that I couldn't come out there now. Maybe I should just hold it in and pretend that everythings ok. Maybe I'll forget about it every once in awhile and I'll be happy for a little while. I hope I'll just get over all this. ::Thinks Happy Thoughts:: I'm ok...everythings ok.. I'm happy.

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My dad [05 Jul 2003|12:20am]
[ mood | tired ]

Is it my fault that my dad and I aren't close? When I was younger he'd always invite me over for the holidays. Not anymore. This year he didn't even invite me over for my birthday. I used to get upset and it would bother me. I'd cry and be extremely hurt. Now it doesn't really bother me. I don't cry. Sure, it bugs me for a second and then I get over it. Life goes on. All that really matters to me is that my future husband will be the father I never had to our children. I believe in my heart that he will too =).

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Hypocrites [03 Jul 2003|12:37am]
[ mood | awake ]

I don't get people. I know I've said that a bizillion times, but I honestly don't understand what makes other people tick. I'm convinced everyone in this world is a hypocrite. I don't get why people stick up for one cause and do something that doesn't fit into their proclaimed lifestyle the next minute. For example, people who buy organic foods but also smoke. You would think that people who buy organic food are health conscious and don't want all those chemicals in their bodies. But there you go thinking! Smoking is just different. Uh, ya sure it is. Chemicals are chemicals. If you're going to smoke, why spend so much on organic foods? Why not save the money and buy regular food because you're going to need the money for hospital stays related to illness from smoking.

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College, job, etc. [20 Jun 2003|10:52pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

One would think that I would miss the college life, but honestly I don't. I enjoy being out of school. I enjoy being away from the craziness of college life. I'm just weird I think. I'm excited for what the future holds for me. I can't wait for things to happen. There's one thing that I'm nervous about, however. I'm nervous about getting a job. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. It doesn't help that I haven't written my resume yet. I have to get going. Chop chop! I have to enter the real world. Heaven forbid! I have experience in the field I want to go into, so it shouldn't be that much of a problem but I'm still nervous. I want to have a job that I love, not one that I do just to get money. It's important to me that I love my work. I just hope that I can present myself well enough and get the job I want. Easier said then done. I think my problem is that I worry too much. Correction, I KNOW I worry too much. One of these days I'm going to need therapy or something.

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Sleep is the enemy [13 Jun 2003|12:31am]
[ mood | yucky ]

I know I should be sleeping, but I don't feel like it. I'm tired, but ugh... I feel sick to my stomach and I don't feel like laying down. I don't know whats wrong with me. BAD CHINESE FOOD! I just don't think it sat well in my stomach or something like that. Ughhhhhhhh maybe I ate too much. Who knows? All I know is I feel pretty nasty right now. Blech.

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Stream of Consciousness [12 Jun 2003|04:25pm]
Leaves blowing in the wind. Hmmmm paint on the windows someone didn't do a good job of painting. Eww the sky looks gray. Oh Patrick's IMing me I should answer him. Ok I answered him. He was being silly and calling me mean. BILLY JOEL IS COOL! My skirt is pretty I should wear it sometime. My speakers are going to fall over and hurt me. Oh well. This stream of consciousness stuff isn't as easy as it seems. My fingers don't type fast enough. My head iches. At first I typed inches and I had to change it. I'm a dork. Don't let me downnnnnn oh yes I'm a wonderful singer I know. Man oh man I'm getting IMed once again. Patrick told me he loves me. I love him too...but more so there. MUAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. Don't let me downnnnn. What flavor is this gum? It's green. It's pretty good. hmmm It kinda tingles on the tongue. hmmm tingling. It's a love that has no passssssssst. DON'T LET ME DOWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. John lennon. The IM is aflashing. Not flashing but AFLASHING. OOOOH she done me. She done me good. that sounds bad, huh. I'm not doing anyone I swear. ROAR. Blue and yellow. Doll is falling over. It's hard to do stream of consciousness if you're thinking too hard. My head hurts. I should stop this. OK IM OUTIE. hehe I said outie. I'm such a dork.
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I don't quite get people [12 Jun 2003|04:16pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

My mom is a good person, but I don't get her choice in men. From what I've heard and seen, my mom has never dated a man that treated her well. She's been dating her current boyfriend for a million years give or take a few. He never does anything for her. He's cheated on her, yells at her, and does anything he can to hurt her. Yet, my mom still stays with him. I don't get it. Honestly, I don't. My mom's a great person, why would someone be so malicious. I just don't get people. I also don't get why my mom would let someone step all over her like that. She said she wants to leave. She's wanted to leave for years, but hasn't. I know it isn't as easy as it seems to leave a situation like that. You need strength and you need to be finacially secure, two things my mom doesn't have. Still, I know I could never be in that situation. Maybe I'm different from my mom in that respect. I hope I'm different than my mom. I'd honestly do anything for my mom. I just wish she'd leave. I hope for the best for her. I want her to be happy. I want her to be with someone who loves her and will take care of her. She's never had that. I want to find someone for her that REALLY and TRULY loves her and will never hurt her. Is that too much to ask?

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!@!@@#@#@#@#@#@@@!!!!! [12 Jun 2003|04:06pm]
[ mood | enraged ]

My boyfriend doesn't love me because he never updates his livejournal!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!!!!!

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ROAR! [10 Jun 2003|08:31pm]
So I tried to update earlier, but it got erased. Bitches I tell ya. I downloaded the livejournal client semagic to make it easier to update so I'll update more often (ya right if you believe that then I have a bridge to sell ya). I'll try though, honestly I will.

Things have been going great for me. The boyfriend and I are getting along wonderfully. School is out. No more papers or midterms, can life be any better than that? Well, no more papers or midterms for awhile. Now I just need to get out in the real world and find myself a job. Easier said then done though. I'm lazzzzzy! I'm not totally lazy, but it feels good to do nothing for awhile. I'll get off my butt soon though. I need to write myself a resume. AHHH not a resume. I just don't know how to go about writing one. Blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda the end. You know what I mean? Probably not, I rarely make sense. Someone write me a resume, pleaseeeeeeeeeee.
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=P [06 Jun 2003|08:16pm]
[ mood | weird ]

My tongue hurts. I burned it on some hot food yesterday and it still hurts. I'm such a dumbass I swear.

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Family...HA! [11 May 2003|11:00am]
[ mood | cranky ]

I don't get my family...well at least one side of my family. My uncle calls me today to tell me that they are all going to my grandmothers house for mother's day and invites me to come. Um, HELLO! TODAY IS MOTHER'S DAY! What about inviting people ahead of time instead of an hour before? He said he was "sorry" and was "busy" this week. I honestly don't get that side of the family. I thought since I'm going to school close to them that I'd start to get close to them as well. I was definately wrong. I don't think I'll ever get close to them. It's just stupid stuff like what happened today. I'm never thought of. I'm not their family to them. I'm just an outsider.

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yadda yadda blah [11 May 2003|01:17am]
Ok, so I should be asleep or studying, but I'm not. I just sitting here staring blankly at my computer screen. I've been thinking a lot tonight and questioning life, and no...my head doesn't hurt...yet! I was just thinking about fate. Is life predetermined? I don't know. At times I think definately yes, but now I'm just utterly confused. What if life isn't predetermined? What if something I say or do at this very moment will change my life drastically? On the other hand, what if life is predetermined? What are you living for? What excitement will you have in life if everything is already planned? How can you change things? AHHHH! It's confusing. Life isn't easy. I don't think it was ment to be easy anyway. Don't listen to me...I'm just rambling.
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Bad livejournal [10 May 2003|08:14pm]
[ mood | weird ]

Instead of studying like a good little girl, I've been playing with my livejournal settings. BAD LIVEJOURNAL! I'm so easily distracted. I only have one more test left in my undergraduate career! WOOHOO! So why am I being a lazy ass? Because I can =D.... oh ya aren't the froggies cute?

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I'm actually updating! [10 May 2003|07:52pm]
[ mood | happy ]

I'm updating my journal, imagine that! I'm going to try to update it more often. It's really cool looking back at things, and seeing all the crazy things I've written about. So what's new with me? Well, I'm graduating in a week. It's so weird. It seems like I just started college and now I'm graduating. I don't know what I'm going to do without having to do homework for a year before I go to grad school. It will be niccceeeee.

Something else has been going on in my life. I'm getting ready to move in with my boyfriend. It's a big step I know, but I'm so excited. I can't wait. I think it's going to be so wonderful to actually be together all the time. I had friends from work ask me yesterday if he was "the one." I told them yes. They all went "awww" and said they were happy for me. They can't be happier than I am though! I found the sweetest guy in the world and he loves just me!!! Can life get any better than that? I don't think so!

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Sometimes.... [23 Apr 2003|09:43am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Sometimes I feel lonely. I'm not quite sure why. I just feel alone. Like right now....for some reason I feel as if I'm all by myself in this world. I know that I'm not. I have a loving boyfriend, friends, and family (some family) that care about me greatly and are here for me always. However, I just feel alone. I feel that no one fully understands me. I feel........ indescribable. Am I really that different than everyone else? Am I really alone?

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Sleep [12 Mar 2003|11:33am]
I never ever ever sleep all through the night. I don't know whats wrong with me. I can't remember the last time I slept all the way through the night. It has had to be years ago. I don't understand why. Everyone seems to think it is because of stress, but I don't feel stressed so I don't understand it. My boyfriend just thinks I'm broken. Maybe I am...
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I must be a dork... [10 Mar 2003|06:10am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

You know what makes me want to barf? A little cutsie girl with a A&f shirt on and her boyfriend with an A&F shirt on. How disgusting. I don't get the wholeeeeeeee Abercrombie thing. Maybe it's just me. I'm just not cool enough I guess. It's just clothes! Why do you have to pay 10-20 dollars more on something that says A&F on it? Maybe if I buy a pink A&F shirt and wear it every other day I may feel differently....not.

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::cough::choke::die:: [09 Mar 2003|09:49am]
[ mood | sick ]

I feel..gross. I think I'm getting sick =( This isn't fair. I have tons of school work to do in the next week. I can't be getting sick! I whine when I'm sick. WATCH OUT! Feel sorry for my boyfriend. I know I do. He knows I love him though, and I'll be the first one to take care of him when he's sick.

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School [07 Mar 2003|01:28am]
[ mood | blah ]

School is starting to kick my ass. It's getting busier and busier. It used to be when the weekend comes I'd have some time to just chill. However, this has all changed. I've been getting readings, readings, and MORE READINGS as well as projects and papers to write. STOP THE INSANITY! Why can't I just be lazy? That's something I'm good at...being lazy. Can't I get course credit for that? I'd get an A+ in lazyness. Ah well, it's all good. I have only 8 more weeks of class until I graduate. It's so exciting! I can't wait. I have my whole life ahead of me. I have places to go and CERTAIN people to see.

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